Today, September 25th, would have been CeCe’s birthday. And although I have been contemplating this day for a while, its true significance came to me four months ago. I posted a note addressed to her in my journal about how I envisioned today, and thought I would share it here:
Today is May 25th, just four months away from what would have been your 67th birthday. You and I used to talk all the time about growing old. It was never with the specter of doom or fear. We relished it; we fantasized about being an old couple walking hand in hand in a park or a garden. We wanted to be the living embodiment of love; tried and true; battle tested but never weary. We joked about how we’d speak our mind or say what was in our hearts and watch the uptight and inexperienced youth become indignant or shocked. We hold on to so much silliness as we float through life. So much pettiness and angst, when life is as simple as acknowledging all the miracles around us while doing our utmost best to be kind, be hopeful, and be funny. You can’t be angry when you’re laughing, no more than you can be sad when being held by the one you love above all.
Four months. By now, I would have planned out a surprise for that birthday. I would be holding my composure in trying not to show my excitement for the impending event. How your eyes would grow wide; how you would laugh but, most of all, how you would look at me with absolute and undeniable love. A look that expressed the marvel that was us. A look that says “I do” over and over again, because there was never enough ways to express what was in our hearts.
Four months. I’ll do my best to remember all of this, and know that our love is as ethereal and everlasting as the universe is vast and limitless. I will do my best.
How did I celebrate today? I enjoyed a piece of our favorite birthday cake while watching one of our favorite movies; one of the last we saw together before her diagnosis came to shatter our version of Camelot. It was a simple celebration; a memorable celebration. I kept my promise and did my best; these are the gifts still worth giving.
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