being frank

Each year, my thoughts would go out to my dad and CeCe’s on Father’s Day. Both died way too young yet left an indelible reminder of their impact on the lives of their children. But this is the first year that I acknowledge Father’s Day without CeCe; one of those firsts that I’ve been experiencing. And that has caused a change to this holiday; I was no longer looking inward, but outward.

Fatherhood is not an easy task; it’s fraught with all manner of conflicting emotions. After all, it doesn’t come with an instruction manual, and the only handbook you might have is reflective of your own father, and that only covers those parts that occurred years after your arrival.

I read a study that noted the changes occurring in men’s brains once they become fathers that pertain to visual processing, attention and empathy. These changes were neurological in nature and common across the board for any male experiencing the bond of fatherhood. I appreciate science and its need to qualify everything, but there are some things that are inherently accepted because they are so easily recognized.

My dad was a complex yet caring father. The stories of him passed on to me by my mom and sister became my true north; lessons that provided the guidance and sense of compassion, honor, and self that my dad could not pass on to me in person.

CeCe’s father was a brilliant university professor whose parenting skills often ran in contrast to his passion for learning. Yet he was a devoted father at heart. CeCe enjoyed a rewarding yet fleeting relationship with him that in the end, provided her with an amazing ability for seeking knowledge and exploring avenues for positive change.

So today I wanted to scribble a few words about those individuals whose actions, beliefs and love have stood as a beacon of fatherhood for me over the years. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been acutely aware of the pitfalls of not having a father, yet deeply appreciative of those who were lucky enough to have one in their lives.

First and foremost, my beloved CeCe’s father. A passionate man of letters who extolled the value of understanding the past in order to shape the future, he provided countless lessons during his lifetime that both amazed and confounded. One such lesson CeCe cherished was the time when her father faced a full complement of Hells Angels’ bikers while on a road trip with his wife and child. Within minutes, the seemingly horrifying scene playing out in CeCe’s mind at the sight of the encounter was quickly replaced by handshakes, back slapping, and endless thanks from the gang members. Apparently, CeCe’s dad had won them over with – what else? Knowledge of the past. At first, as they gathered around him to taunt the funny little man wearing a three-piece suit and sporting an Einstein hairstyle, CeCe’s dad defused the situation by innocently marveling at their various tattoos. He then went on to explain in detail the origins for each symbol they wore. They were fascinated. They were appreciative. They gave their car an escort on the highway until they parted ways. CeCe never forgot that story; I have never forgotten that lesson.

My dearest friend, Maria, had a father who exemplified love, creativity and passion with an unwavering curiosity for all things that were both childlike and compelling. Despite the oppressive regime they lived under in Cuba, his love of life was superseded only by his love of family and his convictions. The examples he provided and the lessons he taught her at an early age became the foundation for an amazing and fulfilling life.

My wonderful friends Bernie and Michael are two inspirational people who have traversed similar paths. Each is a devoted husband, family man, and veteran, and they’ve endured their share of heartaches, challenges and doubts. Yet both have remained happily married for decades, and their children are a glowing testament to their moral fiber, irrepressible sense of humor, and a deep love of family and friends rooted in their beliefs. I never cease to marvel at their tenacity and determination for living a life that continually aims to give more than it receives.

Mark is a man whom I have admired since the day we met. Although deeply private, his encyclopedic knowledge along with the length and breadth of his career, character, and heart are clearly reflected in his daughter Jennifer and son, Ben. They are not only highly successful individuals in their own right, but each acquired a sense of passion for their work and beliefs which can be traced to Mark’s deep principles for truth, fairness and social justice. Knowing them has been a masters class in the best we all can aspire to be as individuals.

Our dearest cousin Chas is a man who is truly larger than life. Each time I think of him, I see a Hemingwayesque figure; a man of adventure and passion whose love of life and family far exceed the persona he represents. Today, on the eve of his 57^th wedding anniversary, he is still a vivacious, open-hearted, and loving husband, friend and father whose energy and passion often belies the travails he has endured these past many years. Despite his deeply seeded convictions, this man for all seasons still finds ways in which to grow, to change, and to look ahead to the future with the heart of a trailblazer. He is my true brother.

To these men, these individuals born of incredible normalcy with hearts filled with love, wisdom and contemplative patience, I say thank you. Thank you for always providing a heartfelt and enduring image of fatherhood. For adding substance, flesh and bone to the hopes and dreams of my father and those of CeCe’s father and countless others, who could not finish their journey in life yet have remained in our hearts as loving and appreciative fathers with aspirations for the future. Yours is the gift of tomorrow forged by the challenges of the past, and a shining example of the warmth and magic that exist in the simple yet perennial light of fatherhood.