Why can’t we be friends?
Although that can be an exhortation, I’m referencing the song from 1975 by the group War. It was a great song from a musical perspective that keenly represented the group’s mixture of funk and R&B. And although the lyrics were simple in nature, the verses offered small vignettes on the dynamics of friendship and the unspoken challenges that belabor those potential relationships.
Friendship is truly an amazing component of the human condition. It is more than a casual acceptance of others, and slightly less than the obligatory bonds of family. Yet many see friendship as a special connection that often transcends familial ties. It is a conscious decision to cherish, honor and love another human being solely on the merits of who they are. Friendships may arise from a simple connection or the acceptance of habits or idiosyncrasies akin to our own. Or they may stem from a shared experience or dire challenge that touched two individuals in ways that resonated equally within each other. Friendship is a choice; it’s a pledge; it’s a bond.
But the notion of friendship has been changing in this, our modern world. A term that arose in the late 20th century was friendship recession, where statistics showed that people (primarily men, incidentally) have fewer close friends now than they did thirty years ago. Studies have indicated that situations such as geographical mobility or workism have contributed to the decline of friendships as our socioeconomic environs change with the times. Studies also show that on average, people will have about three to four close friends during their lifetime. These scenarios seem correct and logical in context, and I often wonder how the dynamics of friendship have changed over the last century or so. But I don’t want to make this into a statistical commentary; I want to focus on the personal phenomenon that is friendship.
When my beloved was going through her ordeal with cancer, she recorded a series of videos to capture her thoughts and insights for posterity. In one of them, she spoke about my being a collector of souls. She explained how she always admired my ability to keep enduring friendships over the years, some as long as 40+ years. The term collector of souls was something I found extremely endearing yet incredibly perceptive; and something she never shared with me before that one recording. I’ve thought of this designation for a while and realized that it was the best description for friendship I had ever heard. Even now, she continues to teach and inspire; the very definition of love.
Friendship is the act of collecting souls. It’s that intrinsic part of another human being that defines who they are beyond the hype, social assignations, opinions, physical attributes or beliefs. It is the essential essence of who a person is; their moral compass, funny bone, empathic leanings, passions, familial strengths, convictions of faith (beyond the trappings of religion), wisdom, openness, strengths, frailties and their ability to love. These are the traits we should look for in a friend, for they connect us on an elemental level; a spiritual level. It does so in a way that makes you whole by experiencing the world through the heart of another while growing as a human being yourself. We collect the best of what life has to offer and in turn, we do our best to return the favor.
I am exceedingly blessed because of my friends. My beloved was my dearest and closest friend and companion, and my ex-wife is someone whom I’m honored to have as one of my most enduring and caring friends. I recently wrote that those closest to me have had a hand at making me into who I am today; that they are the foundation of the most cherished parts of myself. They are my teachers; they are my legacy; they are my friends. They never judge because of an absence of communication but rather celebrate the times when we meet or just talk over the phone. They are souls who have thought about me, supported me, championed me, admonished me, and even brought me down to size when I was enjoying a wee bit too much of me. They are souls who are funny, bright, joyful, kind, loving, passionate, inspirational, and the greatest gifts of my life. I would literally not be here writing this commentary had it not been because of an intercession from one of those amazing souls.
It might be a long time since you’ve reached out to a friend. That’s OK. But if you have a moment, drop them a note, a call, a text, or just send them an invite to go get a bite to eat or a have cup of coffee sometime soon. When you meet with them, look at them closely. See how their eyes widen and their smile grows. Look at their body language and feel the warmth and closeness of their hug when they draw you in. Then look inward. See how you feel; how your heart is lighter and all the cares of the world melt away, even for a few minutes. Feel the smile on your face, the excitement in your voice, and the rush of thoughts that fill your mind about things you want to share; adventures you want to regale them with or make them smile with the latest stupid joke you heard. Congratulations; you have a true friend. You are a collector of souls, and one of the wealthiest people in the world.
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